So here I go: Lucy was up for 3 hours in the night screaming. From 2-5am just wailing. NOTHING calmed her down until I gave in and brought her to bed with me. I got so tired of resisting, so I gave in. I was crying from exhaustion and frustration and I just said “screw it- I’m bringing her to bed with us.” And guess what, after 3 NON STOP hours of arching her back crying, she stopped. If the only thing that quiets her is co-sleeping…what the heck am I supposed to do? So, after only 4 hours of sleep for me (and interrupted sleep, that is), she wakes up bright and early this morning…and very cranky. So cranky. I’m so tired, she’s so tired, she’s so cranky, I’m so cranky…that leads to a bad day. And today I yelled at Lucy. I walked into her room after she had been screaming and thrashing around in her crib for a solid hour after I put her down for her nap, and I yelled at her. I said “LUCY! Just STOP! NO MORE CRYING!” And what did she do? She flapped her arms from excitement of seeing me entering her room and smiled hugely at me. She thought I was coming in to pick her up, not scold her. I felt utter failure. My heart broke and I cried even more. I finally got her to sleep and immediately called my Mom. I just needed her. I don’t think I’ll ever not need my Mom. I needed to ask her if it’s “normal” to feel overwhelmed and exhausted as a Mom. She assured me that it’s completely normal to feel the way I’m feeling and that it’s OK to cry. Because I know Mom’s get mad and tired. But do they feel this way with only one baby? What happens when I have 3 or 4 kids? I called the one person who I knew would hear me out, but also offer wisdom, knowledge, and comfort. I just felt low. And of course, the best thing about Mom’s is that they lift you up and make you feel so much better. I think today hit me harder than other days because yes, I’ve lost my patience with Lucy and have felt irritated and even snappy with her a couple of times. But I have never yelled at her. I have never said “NO!” to her. She doesn’t even know what it means to have her Mommy get mad at her. Today was the first day I felt like a failure as a Mom.
Taking a step back now, I know we will have our ups and downs. I know my love for her is unconditional and she can drive me crazy, but no matter what, I will love her. I know she probably doesn’t even remember or understand what happened this morning. And I know that someday she will probably call me up when her little baby won’t stop screaming and I will tell her my stories. And she will cry, and I will comfort. It’s the cycle of motherhood. And even though today was rough, Lucy and I have tomorrow to make up for it, and the next day, and everyday, until forever. And I will love her through it all.
Thank you, Mom, for your support. It means the world to me.
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I'm posting some pictures of the little stinker on here since I haven't really posted any of her in her "8th Month" of life. I know they're a little irrelevant to this post, but it's always nice to look at such a pretty face :)
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| My little Wonder Baby. She might make go crazy at times...but what would I do without her? |
I lovee looking at pictures of Lucy! You are a great mom Brittany and don't call yourself a failure! I cannot wait to have kids and i'll definitely need some pointers from you!
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ReplyDeleteAfter I had Kannon I was convinced I couldn't have anymore because it was too hard. Actually, having 2 has been a cinche compared to my first. I know the ropes I guess...but I better not speak too soon because once we have our third I'll probably be ready to be committed to the looney bin. The first year is hard. Once they can talk, it's so much easier to know what they want and reason with them!
ReplyDeleteMommyhood is fun, exhausting, frustrating, exciting, emotional, tiring, happy, maddening, fulfilling, and the best and hardest thing you'll ever do! You have good days and you have bad days. That is what its all about. But through it all you grow A LOT and its so worth it. But you already know that. Love you Britt!
ReplyDeleteI have had countless number of those days where I go to bed at night feeling defeated and overwhelmed. It comes with the 'mommy' territory. I also honestly feel like I had more of those days when I had only one child. It never gets easier, but it becomes more routine and easier to deal with. You are the best little mommy I've ever seen!!!! Lucy is so lucky to have you. XOXO
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reassurance ladies! Tiff and Mykle, I'm glad to know that maybe I won't feel that way after my next! Christa...you're the sweetest!
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