Today Was Hard

Today was a hard day.  It’s funny- not many people post the bad stuff, but occasionally, I think it helps to “virtually vent.” It’s kinda therapeutic.

So here I go: Lucy was up for 3 hours in the night screaming.  From 2-5am just wailing. NOTHING calmed her down until I gave in and brought her to bed with me.  I got so tired of resisting, so I gave in.  I was crying from exhaustion and frustration and I just said “screw it- I’m bringing her to bed with us.”  And guess what, after 3 NON STOP hours of arching her back crying, she stopped.  If the only thing that quiets her is co-sleeping…what the heck am I supposed to do?  So, after only 4 hours of sleep for me (and interrupted sleep, that is), she wakes up bright and early this morning…and very cranky.  So cranky.  I’m so tired, she’s so tired, she’s so cranky, I’m so cranky…that leads to a bad day.  And today I yelled at Lucy.  I walked into her room after she had been screaming and thrashing around in her crib for a solid hour after I put her down for her nap, and I yelled at her.  I said “LUCY! Just STOP! NO MORE CRYING!”  And what did she do? She flapped her arms from excitement of seeing me entering her room and smiled hugely at me.  She thought I was coming in to pick her up, not scold her.  I felt utter failure.  My heart broke and I cried even more.  I finally got her to sleep and immediately called my Mom.  I just needed her.  I don’t think I’ll ever not need my Mom. I needed to ask her if it’s “normal” to feel overwhelmed and exhausted as a Mom. She assured me that it’s completely normal to feel the way I’m feeling and that it’s OK to cry.  Because I know Mom’s get mad and tired.  But do they feel this way with only one baby?  What happens when I have 3 or 4 kids? I called the one person who I knew would hear me out, but also offer wisdom, knowledge, and comfort.  I just felt low.  And of course, the best thing about Mom’s is that they lift you up and make you feel so much better.  I think today hit me harder than other days because yes, I’ve lost my patience with Lucy and have felt irritated and even snappy with her a couple of times.  But I have never yelled at her.  I have never said “NO!” to her.  She doesn’t even know what it means to have her Mommy get mad at her.  Today was the first day I felt like a failure as a Mom.

Taking a step back now, I know we will have our ups and downs.  I know my love for her is unconditional and she can drive me crazy, but no matter what, I will love her.  I know she probably doesn’t even remember or understand what happened this morning.  And I know that someday she will probably call me up when her little baby won’t stop screaming and I will tell her my stories.  And she will cry, and I will comfort.  It’s the cycle of motherhood.  And even though today was rough, Lucy and I have tomorrow to make up for it, and the next day, and everyday, until forever.  And I will love her through it all.  

Thank you, Mom, for your support.  It means the world to me. 

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I'm posting some pictures of the little stinker on here since I haven't really posted any of her in her "8th Month" of life.  I know they're a little irrelevant to this post, but it's always nice to look at such a pretty face :)

My little Wonder Baby.  She might make go crazy at times...but what would I do without her?

A Question For Moms Out There

It is quite known that when women become pregnant, they experience a surge of hormones that causes them to act irrationally but they don't think they're being irrational at all.  I was a crazed woman when Lucy was in my belly but I had "valid" points to justify all of my absurd and sometimes harsh demands and NONE of them had to do with the fact that I was hormonal- dang it! At least that's what I told myself, my family, and Shawn.  Poor Shawn....but what a good sport he was!
Anyway, we have the babies, and we are once again swimming in a pool of hormones for those first blurry, sleep deprived weeks of our newborn's life.  Then we breastfeed, and again, we have intensified hormones that linger until you stop breastfeeding....right?  I was under the impression that soon after I stopped breastfeeding and was back to "normal," I wouldn't cry at the drop of a hat...(or in this case, the drop of a pacifier).  So how come, 8 months after I gave birth, I still feel extra emotional???  It's not bad emotions.  It's just...heavy emotions.
Example: Today I tip-toed into Lucy's room to put something away in her closet while she was taking her nap, and I looked into her crib and burst into tears.  She is just SO beautiful, and there is something wonderful and precious about a sleeping baby.  I have seen her sleep a thousand times, and each time I look at my sleeping beauty, I almost always get teary eyed.  Granted, I've always been a crier- movies, books, songs, etc.  But now it's like, I see a cute puppy on TV and cry.  I see a little kid trip at the playground and I hurt (even when they don't get hurt).  I see a cute baby outfit at the store, and my heart drops.  What the heck???  Certainly motherhood is a roller coaster of emotions- that one's a known fact.  And TRUST ME- I've already experienced the days when I want to scream in frustration because Lucy WILL. NOT. STOP. SCREAMING!  And then 24 hours later she's cuddling with me and kissing me, and pulling my hair because it's fun for her, and it erases all frustrations from the past events.  But I didn't think that I would get so emotional over the smallest things!  I am NOT pregnant again- hahaha trust me!  And I realize that I'm extra emotional (as opposed to when I was pregnant I wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I was).  So, is this what I signed up for when I chose to have kids?  Will I be this way for the rest of my life?  Or does it taper off a little bit....? Tell me, sweet, wise Mommy's out there with more experience- is being on an emotional high my new way of life?  Man.... I better warn Shawn now! ;)

This is the moment I talked about; in between my blurry, teary blinks, I took a picture of her.  To you, this is a sweet, sleepy baby.  To me, this is my whole world.  And I guess I cry because it hurts to love someone so fiercely.  I just hope I can reign in the emotions a little bit down the road...or else on her first day of Kindergarten, they're going to be escorting me off the premises! ;)

...Oh, the life of a Mom.....