It all started about a week ago….. see, every night since you were born, I check on you as you sleep. I still go up to your sister’s room to do that too, by the way. But this is about you. So I’ll try to focus on that:) Anyway, I went into your room to stroke your warm, round cheeks like I always do. I run my hand over your curled up body with your cute buns in the air and your knees tucked under them every single night. I send silent thoughts of love to you and hope you are dreaming only the sweetest dreams. This is my Sullivan routine every night. But a week ago as I was feeling your warm breath beneath my fingers, I just suddenly started to sob. I had to cover my mouth so that you wouldn’t wake from the sound of my cries, but the emotion that overcame me like a wave was intense as I realized that in one week you wouldn’t be a baby anymore…. You’d be 1. Ok, granted, a 1 year old is still a baby, but you know what I mean. It’s like, even though I love every single stage you go through and every milestone you hit, my heart is breaking into a zillion pieces as I think of you growing up. I did NOT have this happen to me with my daughters; they weren’t my last baby. No one warned me of this. No one talks about how when your LAST BABY starts to grow up you feel as though someone has wrenched your heart out of your chest. It’s so hard to explain. It’s hard to describe how painful it is to love someone so intensely. It sounds maddening, yet every Mom can relate (I assume?!). I don’t know how to let you grow. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t question whether or not our family is complete; the moment I held you in my arms, the feeling of utter completion flooded me. My family is complete, thanks to you. You were the missing piece that I didn’t even know was missing. There is no doubt about that. This is not about me wanting more babies- this is about me not wanting my last baby to ever grow up because…. well, because.
You’re my favorite baby boy in the whole entire universe. Your breath when you wake up in the mornings is still sweet with milky sleep. Your cheeks are so round and I just love nibbling them. Your thighs are so deliciously squishy. Your hands are so plump and your fingers are still full of baby fat- they aren’t delicate kid hands yet. Your feet are 2 warm blocks of soft skin that are too ticklish for me to rub. Your baby shoulders melt my heart. Your little wide smile is on your face almost all day long, except when you throw the most dramatic fits. You literally face plant into the ground when you don’t get your way and you cry and cry as you check to make sure I’m watching you throw your fit. It is so funny. Your personality is adorable. Your happiness is infectious. I can’t NOT smile and feel a surge of love within my heart every time I see you. You love to play “How Big is Sully” and throw your hands up over your head to show how big you are! And you laugh and laugh every time as though its the first time ever playing that game! Speaking of reaching up high, you do that when you want me and I can’t resist you. I love seeing your hands reach up for me all day. I scoop you up as often as I can and hug you every single time. You aren’t a major cuddler, but you do like to rest your cheek against my cheek. That rosy, plump cheek against mine is like heaven on earth. Sometimes, I’ll dance with you, cheek to cheek, and you really like that too :) You only take 1 nap a day and have been on that schedule for a few months now, but you get very sleepy at night and watching you rub your eyes and give into the cuddles is too cute for words. You go to sleep between 6:30 and 7 and wake up 12-13 hours later. Except for the nights you’re sick or cutting teeth, you finally learned to sleep through the night….it only took you 11 months…. you little stinker.
But Sullivan, I love you in a crazy way. I have always loved you differently than your sisters because of that whole “Mother/Son” thing that happens when Mom’s have boys. It’s not MORE than your sisters, but it’s just very different. Once again, no way to explain it. All I know is that if I never had a son, I would have missed out on one of the greatest feelings in the entire world.
All these things have been circling through my mind and heart all week as I reflect on your 1st birthday. Shawn doesn’t understand why I said I’d be in mourning all day on the 16th. He just laughs at me and tells me I’m crazy (which I am, but whatever). I don’t really know why it’s making me so sad. But this is the LAST baby I will ever have that I carried in my belly. You are the last one. When you turn 1, that’s the last first birthday I will ever get to celebrate with one of my own children. When you start walking, that will be the last time I cheer on my sweet babies as they conquer one of their biggest milestones! When you start talking and making conversation with me, it will be as though my “baby” is gone…. I mean, you’ll always be my baby, but you know what I mean. You’re growing and I have to let go of all these things that only happen once. This is it. This is all I have left and time is going so fast- TOO FAST- and I feel as though I want to hold onto all the things that are still babyish about you, but I can’t. It’s all going to slip away too soon. Yes, I’m excited for our future. But you’re only a baby once and it was not long enough. I’m bawling my eyes out right now, just so you know. And I’m blabbing and not making sense. But this is me. This is who I am. I’m a crazy Mama who is head over heels for her baby boy and aching inside as I watch you grow. I just want to keep holding you forever and feeling your warm, silky baby skin beneath my fingers for as long as I’m living. I wish I could bottle ALL of this baby stuff up and keep it forever. You have NO IDEA how much I love you….
I am reminded of the story of the Mom who goes into her son’s room every night and rocks him and sings “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” Because every night, although I don’t pick you up out of bed (no way would I risk waking you!) I do go and feel your warmth and breathe your scent. I stand above your crib and marvel at how precious you are. I stare at you with nothing but love and adoration and sometimes I still slip my finger into your open palm, even though I know the grabbing reflex is gone. I still like to hold your hand as you sleep and pray that you will always know how loved you are. When I give you your milk at night, even though you’re old enough to drink it on your own, I still rock you and sing you the same 2 songs I have been singing to you since the day you were born, a whole year ago. And the line I still cry at half the time goes like this: “Take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can’t help falling in love with you.” Because Sully, I fell hard for you. You will always have my heart. Happy birthday baby boy. I love you more than all the leaves on all the trees.
