Dear Sullivan

Dear Sullivan,

So here I am…..36 weeks pregnant and beyond anxious to hold you but so glad you are still safe and warm in my belly….

You are starting to hurt Mommy because you’re growing like a weed, but at the same time, I don’t want you here until February 18th (your official due date) because then you and your sisters would all get to come on the 18th of your birth month!  But the doctors tell me you are growing fast, and part of me suspects you will come a bit sooner….I don’t want to have a C-Section with you, so if you need to come early, that is ok.  But please, at least make it to February.  I don’t want to lend you to NICU.  I want to hold you and snuggle you from the moment you are born.  I can’t wait.

Because you are growing a bit faster than average, we got to order a 28 week sonogram and a 36 week sonogram!  It was SO cool, Sully!  Today we saw you stick our your tongue, suck your thumb and we even saw your hair! We got to have our first 3D sonogram ever last month and saw your sweet profile!  You seem to have Lucy’s mouth (exactly) and Piper’s cheeks and nose (exactly).  So you’ll be a mix of your sisters.  I know you probably won’t like to hear this, but you will be BEAUTIFUL.  Our daughters sure are, and you will be no different, except you’re a boy.  We are all SO excited.  

You’ll probably be extra spoiled because I will never want to put you down!  Usually by the 3rd baby, Mom’s are all about just leaving them in the swing or on the play-mat because we are so busy with the rest of our family, but you’re my LAST!  I don’t want to miss any of the special baby stuff!  I want to hold you as much as my arms will allow it, and cuddle you if you’ll have it (your sisters were and still are HUGE cuddlers, so I hope you will be too!) and feed you ’til you can’t hold any more in your tiny belly, and just breathe you all day.  I can’t wait for your little hands to wrap around my fingers… 

I don’t think I’ll ever want you to grow up!  I will cherish every single milestone, but if you could just stay my baby forever, I think I’d be ok with that.  

I can’t wait to see you, little guy.  I. can’t. wait!  I want to pick you up and see your little legs scrunch up.  I want to see you rooting for milk, I want to rock you in the middle of the night when all you want is to be held.  I want to whisper to you.  I want to see you smile a shaky smile at me.  I want to see you recognize faces and light up when you see mine.  I want to calm you with my voice.  I want you to drool on my chest as you sleep against me.  I want to sing you lullabies and swaddle your little sweet body until you are so content that sleeping is all you can do.  I want to watch your eyes change color.  I want to see you get startled in your sleep.  Again, I want your little hands to wrap so perfectly around my fingers.  I want to tickle your little wrinkled feet.  I want to smell your sweet baby scent.  I want to protect you from ever getting hurt.  Physically and emotionally.  I want you to be mine, forever and always.  I never want to see you hurt or sad.  Only happy.  I know I can’t keep you in a bubble….but please know this, as your Mommy, I will be your biggest cheerleader.  I will be your biggest fan.  I will love you unconditionally your entire life.  I want to raise you with a love of Christ and a testimony that He lives, and everything you have is because of Him.

I want to raise you to be good to your sisters (and me).  I will teach you to always open doors for ladies, no matter what their age.  I will teach you how to be romantic (although I don’t like the thought of you leaving me to date and get married…. at least I have time on my side for that).  I will teach you how to cook, because your future wife will adore you for that.  Especially when she is pregnant and SO unbelievable tired and achy.  If you can come home and cook her a nice meal, she will be forever grateful.  I love your Daddy.  But he can’t cook to save his life and there are so many times I wish I could sit down and be served a meal from him….  So while he can’t teach you that, I can and I will.  I will teach you how to mind your manners and always say “Please and Thank you.”  I will teach you how to clean, because basic cleaning is necessary in life.  I will teach you how to save and manage money, because that’s essential.  I will teach you the value of hard-work.  I will instill morals in you that will help guide you through a righteous life.  But I also want you to laugh a lot.  I want you to have fun and be carefree sometimes.  I want you to do things that bring you so much happiness.  Be goofy!  Be silly!  But be humble.  And be honest.

I want you to look at life through rose-colored glasses!  I know it’s important to keep up with current events, but the world is a scary place and it’s not happy to hear the terrible stories on the news all the time. So keep the faith that God is good and there are good people out there.  Not everyone is terrible.  There are people in the world who will still manage to heal hearts and bring smiles to everyone they meet.  There are still generous people.  There are still service-oriented people who help society.  There are people who will pray for and with you.  There are gentlemen who are good to women. There are women who are good to the men they love.  There is a lot GOOD in the world; but sometimes you have to seek it out.  You must look for the beauty in all situations.  Ok?  That is very important to me.  I don’t want to see you turn into a negative, bitter man.  I want you to love life and feel blessed and happy.  A happy heart is one of the best qualities a person can have, and that’s what I want for you….I want you to love people and I want you to seek happiness.  Seek things that fulfill you!  Surround yourself with people who understand your love for Christ and lift you up.  Be BRAVE!  Be daring.  Do things that make you strong, and sometimes even scare you.  Because if you can accomplish those things, it will build your character.  You will feel good about yourself and your strength.  Be strong!  But don’t be afraid to be emotional, Sully.  Cry when you feel you need to cry.  Be sensitive to other’s feelings.  Be kind.  Be courageous.  Ask for help when you need it.  Explore the world.  Learn.  Knowledge really is power….  I hope you’ll get a good education, get married and give me beautiful grandchildren.  I can’t wait to love your wife as my own daughter someday.  I know this is a letter to a baby boy who hasn’t even been born yet, but you are my first and last son.  You are worthy of advice that you can grow with.  You have a purpose.  A big one.  You have responsibilities to others, but also to yourself.  

Love yourself, Sullivan.  Be kind to yourself.  Ok?  Please….

Your daddy will be the one to teach you how mow the lawn, take you hunting, and play golf.  He will teach you how to shoot a gun.  He will teach you how to tie knots.  He will teach you how to fix a flat tire and hang the Christmas lights.  But I will teach you how to be a man that appreciates all the women in your life :) Because we all love you, little boy. A WHOLE lot.

As I sit here, you’re wiggling inside of me.  I love it.  You have hiccups right now, actually!  You are head-down and you have dropped.  Lately you have done lots of painful flips inside of me, but for the most part, you have been my most mellow baby! Not much kicking and punching like your sisters.  You are more respectful to my body!  

You know what I know about you?  That you’re sweet.  That you’re a peacemaker. That you are a go-with-the-flow baby.  You never kick back when I try to get you to kick back!  You just let me poke and prod you.  You also never get crazy when you hear your sister’s screaming.  I know you can hear them, too!  They are LOUD.  And they are non-stop!  And they’re always singing or screaming or crying, or squealing or laughing. If the neighbors are able to hear them, then I know you can too :)  You are going to be the little guy that just takes it.  You’ll be there soaking up their silliness (because they are going to adore you and love making you laugh) but I think you’ll be the calm in our storm.  My little loyal gentle giant.  That’s what I am feeling from you.  You are sweet to me, and you love to wake up with me.  You wake up in the night when I wake up and you wake up in the morning when I wake up.  As if to say “Mommy, you’re awake!  Lets have some sweet, quiet time together before the day begins.  Feel me waving to you? I love you.   Feel my love, Mommy….” And baby boy, I DO feel your love.  And I know you feel mine.  And each night as I say my prayers in bed, I tell Heavenly Father to please tell you how much I love you.  I have loved you from the MOMENT I found out I was pregnant.  I was not quite prepared to get a positive pregnancy test, but there you were.  My sweet little baby. I never dreamed I’d have a son someday!!  I never even knew how badly I wanted a son until we were trying for our 3rd baby.  I didn’t know what to do with a son, so part of me felt like, maybe the only reason all I could only imagine is daughters is because that’s all I would have.  But suddenly having a boy was ALL I could think about while waiting to get the official "it's a boy" from the doctors!  I craved holding a SON in my arms…..and Heavenly Father has blessed me with that TREMENDOUSLY!  When other aspects of my life haven't been so steady, I have been blessed with my angel babies.  I am spoiled because I got exactly what I wanted….and I don’t deserve that!  But here I am, loving you.  Cherishing feeling your sweet swishes in my belly.  Loving our bond that only we share.  No one has met you yet, except me (in a way).  No one has felt your sweet spirit yet….except me.  No one knows just how precious your soul is because I’m the one who gets to feel it throughout my whole being….. and our hearts are beating together and we are sharing the same body.  My food goes to you, my belly holds you, my voice is what you hear all day….You are a part of me, and I am creating you.  And that is an incredible bond that only YOU AND I can share.  Not Daddy….not even your sisters.  I did this with them, and I have a unique bond with them as well.  But for now, you are mine and mine alone.  And the moment you take your first breath, I will be the first one to hold you. I will be your everything.  And you will be my everything.  The moment when Heaven and Earth meet in my arms will be perfect.  So love-filled and just absolutely perfect.

Sullivan, I can’t imagine my life without you and you aren’t even here yet.  I can tell you how much I love you, but I’m not sure you’ll ever fully grasp it.  As a Daddy someday, you might.  But I can promise you- a Mother’s love is THE most intense love in the world.  And I have it for you.  And I am obsessed with you already.  You are my everything.  You are my little boy.  And watching you grow will be the biggest delight in my life.  I must have done something right to be so blessed with you.  You and me…. this Mama- Son thing….it’s gonna be ours.  Just like a best kept secret.  You and me.  An unbreakable bond.  I’ll rely on you just as much as you'll rely on me.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.  For a long time, I will be the half that makes you whole.  But for now, I am the heart that keeps you safe.  I am your Mother.  You are my son.  You are my everything.  I love you more than all the leaves on all the trees.

Love,

Mommy