Lucy has always been difficult. Cute, silly, dramatic, yes. But difficult for sure. Each year I hoped she'd get easier. The Terrible Twos came and went. The Horrific Threes passed. I prayed that when she turned 4 she'd get better. But her 4th year was even harder. By 5 I just knew the worst had to be over, right? Wrong. Her 5th year has been, by far, her hardest yet. Suddenly, every "terrible" and "horrible" trait that toddlers have at certain ages was multiplied by 10. She was bouncing off the walls. Showing aggression when she'd get upset. Acted like she had ants in her pants when trying to do any school work. Getting so angry that she'd throw herself on the floor, hard, sometimes hitting her head hard in the process and screaming....the screaming....It just got so bad. Not only were her emotions all over the place, she could. not. sit. still. She couldn't even focus on eating at mealtimes because she was up, down, up, down in her chair. She'd twirl around. She would make noises with her mouth and wouldn't stop even when I would tell her to please be quiet. She was all over the place. Couldn't concentrate on anything- ANYTHING. School became too hard for her. She started falling behind. At a conference with her teacher, she mentioned that Lucy needed to be pulled out of class (with my permission) 4 days a week to have special reading help because she was very far behind. She wasn't learning her letter sounds the way she was supposed to be. She wasn't able to do any of the kindergarten work that the rest of the class was doing unless it dealt with shapes or coloring. She was copying her friends at times because she couldn't grasp it on her own. When her teacher said "if it doesn't improve by February, we will have to talk about holding her back next year." I walked out of her conference crying. Just feeling defeated. So I prayed a lot. I asked my Mom, Shawn's Mom, my sisters to all pray. I worried. I tried everything I could think of to get her to sit still for just 10 minutes a night to work with me. But she couldn't sit. She would get so angry and mad and I would get so frustrated that I would give up too because it was easier to walk away than fight her. She just could not make her body sit and focus. I got on Facebook and asked other Mom's for tips and tricks- I tried them all. Nothing was working.
I started reading about kids who couldn't focus. Kids who would get so severely angry. Ways to help Lucy. Those things weren't working. 4 little letters kept popping up: ADHD. Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder.
I knew that she needed to get tested for it. Everyone said "it's just a phase. She will grow out of it." But I'm her Mom. I knew there was more to this. This didn't seem normal and I know ADD/ADHD is hereditary; her Daddy has it. So, I started to ask my sister's (2 of whom have kids diagnosed with ADHD) questions: did their kids have these traits? Did their kids do this and that? Were certain things normal? The door had been opened and I wasn't going to stop until I figured this thing out. All signs were pointing to the fact that she had it.
So I called insurance to make sure we found the right therapist and got her an appointment as soon as I could. On November 23rd, 2016 I brought her to a child behavioral therapist. The therapist said that usually the first appointment consisted of questionnaires and getting to know the child and then another appointment would determine her diagnosis. Well- not in Lucy's case. Within 10 minutes of Lucy's first appointment the Therapist looked at me and said "I could see within 2 minutes that she has ADHD and the more I watch her, I discover the more severe it is. She won't need a second appointment to determine that."
Did I cry? Of course. Especially when the therapist point-blank told me the scary statistics of kids with ADHD getting into trouble- the kind of trouble that you do NOT want to think about. Medicine is not something I wanted Lucy to be on initially, but without medicine at her age, she wouldn't be able to focus. She was too young for learning techniques that help kids cope. For older kids that works. But for kids Lucy's age it's not possible. If I wanted her to succeed at school for now, she would need medicine. If I wanted her to not feel the need to lash out in ways that would cause trouble, she needed medicine. She won't be on medicine forever. But if, as she grows up she isn't on medication and her brain is searching for something that's not safe (drugs, sex, etc), we will put her back on medication. Kids with ADHD are much more likely to engage in these activities because they're either searching for a high, or searching for something to help them feel in control. It's not made up- these are the facts. Medication can make sure that the chemicals in her brain are being controlled and help control these impulses. Pills are not something I ever thought my little kids would take. Until I was put in a position where it was needed. The pros outweigh the cons. As her Mom, it was a no-brainer. If medicine will help her succeed in school and progress in all areas of life (as well as improve her mood) then yes- we would try medication.
We took her to the pediatrician to go over medications. Her pediatrician also saw within minutes how bad Lucy's ADHD was. She was jumping and twirling around at the doctor and started chewing on her fingers (which was strange). The doctor asked her over and over again to please try to sit still and calm down; Lucy couldn't. She couldn't control herself. The doctor prescribed her Focalin and we were off on a new path.
The first medication we tried did wonders for her in terms of helping her concentrate and flourish in school. But her mood swings got worse. She would scream and growl and turn red in the face over the tiniest things. Her anxiety became severe. We would be running errands and she would literally cling to me and couldn't let go. She became insanely terrified of the dark. At night before bed she would scream and scream because her room was too dark. Not just a "throwing a fit" scream, but scream because she was absolutely terrified, suddenly, of sleeping at night in a dark room. So after 5 weeks I went back to the doctor and knew we had to switch it. In this case, the cons were outweighing the pros. Yes, her schoolwork was improving SO MUCH. But not her anger and anxiety.
Now she is on a new medication and is doing much better. Her concentration levels don't seem to be quite as high as they were last month on Focalin, but they are good enough that she seems to be doing okay still. It's only been a week so I still have to monitor her more before I will be able to say whether or not the new medication works for her, but the intense mood swings aren't like they were and her anxiety is not severe at all.
Lucy's personality is such that she will probably always be a difficult child simply because of how she was wired. But coupling her stubbornness with ADHD just made it so much harder. She couldn't progress in school, she was lashing out at everyone, she was always so angry, and it finally just got to the point where I said "enough is enough." I wasn't going to "wait" and see if this was a phase. I had to be proactive and get her help. She needed it.
Now, 2 months later, she has almost completely caught up to her peers in school! She is grasping the concept of reading! She is sounding out short words and figuring out what a sentence is and how to read! It's amazing to hear her read to me. The sentence might just be "Tom can run." But to me, that's HUGE. It's more than she could do before we put her on medication and her teacher aide said that now she is one of their best behaved students! It warms my heart to hear of progression in her, rather than regression. I am so proud of her! I feel so badly that before the diagnosis she hated how angry she felt all the time. She told me she hated that she felt that she couldn't control her moods. She likes being on her pills because she likes that she feels happier. She recognizes that her mood with everyone is better and she likes feeling more control over her emotions. Her and Piper have gotten back to their old ways of playing together again. For awhile Lucy was just so mean to Piper and wanted nothing to do with her. She was that way with me as well. Sometimes when Lucy would get off of the bus after school, I'd be crouched down waiting with open arms for a hug and Lucy would run past me and scream "get away from me!" It was so sad. There were many days that I cried very hard over it. My sweet little Lu was just angry. It broke this Mama's heart into a million pieces.
I had tried oils to help her concentrate and be soothed. I tried homeopathic pills. I bought her a sensory chair that sometimes helps children sit still during homework time. It doesn't work for her. I tried waking her up in the mornings with gentle whispering and back scratches so as not to start out her day with aggression, but that didn't work. She would wake up screaming at me to leave her alone and not to touch her. She just wasn't "Lucy."
So for those people who don't agree with putting a child on medication, I want you to not judge me until you have walked in my shoes. This doesn't mean she will be on medication forever. But for now, I feel as though she needs it and it has helped her tremendously. I am thankful for it, because as of now, she is on the right track to move up to the 1st grade. Yes, she still has special reading time, but compared to where she was 2 months ago, she has grown by leaps and bounds. She's starting to write numbers as well and has finally mastered counting to 50 (she was behind in those areas too). We are still working on meal-time with her as this medication causes her to not be hungry. And sometimes she can't fall asleep at night so she has a melatonin pill to help on those nights, but the perks of being put on medication can't be ignored. I see my old Lucy more and more. She is back to wanting hugs from me. She is playing nicely with her brother and sister again. She has maybe 3 major meltdowns a week, as opposed to 7 or 8 a day. When she whines or cries, it's more typical 5 year old behavior. The meltdowns before were out of control. I can't even describe them with words. But they were extreme. Not trying to turn this into a "me" issue, but it was so hard on me....When Shawn is out of town (which is weekly) and she was acting out, I felt as though I could NOT handle it. I 100% felt like I couldn't cope. I just didn't know what to do. I would yell back at her. Obviously I know that that isn't what I was supposed to do, but I lost my patience every single day with her. I'd pray for forgiveness that night and wake up the next day with a goal to not yell at Lucy, but within 15 minutes of her day, I was already losing my mind.
Fast forward a couple of months and that isn't the case anymore. Things have evened out and I thank Heavenly Father for His help in guiding me towards the answers I needed.
I LOVE that sweet, beautiful girl so incredibly much. She is so special. To me, this diagnosis was a blessing in disguise because now we can get back to where we were, in a way. She will always be worth more than gold to me. She is my precious Lucy Lu.
Life is crazy, folks. Never a dull moment....Never, ever, ever.
Have a Happy Tuesday everyone.
