Sullivan Michael Gilley

Oh my sweet, ornery boy.  How can you be five?! F.I.V.E. 5! A whole hand! How is it possible? My thoughts today will be so jumbled and flighty because I don't know how to articulate what's going on in my mind! He's supposed to be my baby. All I've known of him so far is him being a baby and a toddler.  How am I supposed to deal with him being a kid now? I know that sounds weird and it's really abstract so it's hard to put into words. But it's almost like I don't know how to just be a Mom of a boy that's a kid and not a baby; how to be a mom of 3 kids with no babies here anymore.  When Lucy turned 5, I still had a 3 year old and a 3 month old behind her. So although I remember thinking 5 was big, I didn't really think about how big of a milestone it was.  I was still completely immersed in toddlerhood and infancy.  When Piper turned 5, I still had a 2 year old and he was oh-so-terrible so everything in my life revolved around just surviving. There wasn't even any time to THINK about how my kids were growing up because I was in the trenches with him. I've been so busy having my life revolve around babies and toddlers for the past decade that I never even considered that maybe I'd feel a certain kind of way when Sully turned 5 and suddenly there WEREN'T any babies and toddlers within these walls anymore.  But here I am.  I'm actually at my kitchen table with him sitting across from me, playing with Candy Land characters by himself in a Spiderman costume.  I'm watching him and there's a pinch in my chest because he's just so big.  His chubby cheeks aren't quite so round. His plump fingers are thinning out.  His delicious doughy thighs are gone. He wears boxer briefs instead of diapers.  His feet aren't thick blocks anymore- they've thinned out enough that you can now see the bones in them, rather than just have them be these squishy blocks that I could nibble on. Turning 5 seems to be the year that children completely transform physically.  They literally grow out of their toddler bodies and get "kid bodies." My role as a Mother has been to diaper and lotion, rock and feed, dress and hold babies for an entire decade.  Now I'm in this transitional phase.  No more strollers.  No more infant carseats.  No more diapers.  No more wagons.  No more baby monitors or burp rags.  I'm done with all of that. It's weird to me, to be honest.  I think I now know why lots of women wait 5 years in-between kids.  I used to think it was strange.  Why would anyone want their kids so far apart in age? But now I think I've figured it out.  When your "baby" turns 5, it's hard.  And you can't help but miss their newborn days ferociously.  So they start to think - "I need another baby." Now, in my case, I can't have anymore kids. And if I'm being honest, I wouldn't necessarily want to start over.  I'm tired. I gave EVERYTHING I HAD to my kids when they were babies- every ounce of energy was spent on them and I have never lived around family to help so the only "breaks" I had was when we visit family.  I've done it all myself.  Plus, the majority of the years have been with a husband who travels so much and it was just me and the kids.  I don't think I have it in me to raise a 4th child.  We knew we were done when I was still pregnant with Sully.  I've had his whole life to know he was it for us.  The last one.  But it doesn't change the fact that I wish I could go back in time to those early days and scoop him up while smelling his baby breath and baby skin.  To feel his silky hair between my fingers.  To nuzzle into his warm neck.  To put my finger in his palm and feel his delicate hand wrap around it.  If I could go back for awhile, I would. Those are the memories that cause me to ache inside because that's all they are; memories.  I can't ever go back.  But I would if I could.

Now he's 5 and he frequently uses phrases like "hey bro." And "what's up dude." Him and Shawn have a handshake they do together.  He knows how to play Go Fish, Twister and Candy Land.  His favorite color alternates between green, blue and red daily.  He's beyond obsessed with Monster Trucks.  He loves Ghost Busters and tries to pretend that ghosts are in our house and he needs to get rid of them.  He LOVES the hot-tub.  He's really, really good at Legos- very advanced for his age. He knows how to feed the dogs.  He's riding a big-boy bike (ok, he still has training wheels, but still!).  He swims WITHOUT floaties.  He has daily chores and actually DOES THEM! He has friends now.  He's learning all these awesome social skills that have completely transformed his personality.  He went from always following his sisters around to now, actually wanting to interact with other kids.  He was slow to socialize with others.  Pre-K helped him break out of his shell and it has been so fun to watch his social personality develop! It has also taught him how to write his name- he was late in the game on that one too but he can finally do it! He can do ninja moves on the trampoline and he's a pro at front flips! He's really into being "helpful" these days, which is precious.  He is eager to clean his room and pick up his clothes if I tell him it would mean a lot to me. He is happy to unload the silverware in the dishwasher and loves to help me mop.  He's also super into cuddling.  While I've been blessed with 2 daughters who could snuggle ALL DAY LONG, this boy was always done after only a few seconds. Now he's constantly asking me if I'll snuggle with him on the couch, and he lays there for a long time.  He's still hyper as ever 97% of the time.  When I say bouncing off the walls, I truly mean that- I feel like he bounces around like a ball. Watching him go-go-go is exhausting! But he's really turning into such a sweetheart.  And he's playing by himself more and more these days, which gives me a chance to actually shower without being interrupted (some days) and get things done.  Not always, but we're getting there.  Somedays he wants to be left alone for blocks at a time (and I get SO much done!) and somedays he's attached at my hip still. My girls are still needy too, even at their ages.  So there's not a day that goes by that I'm completely left alone. But it's so much different than it used to be. My role as a Mama is shifting in a big-way.

For his 5th birthday we were stuck at home. Although it was a school day, we're home in the middle of the biggest ice-storm in Oklahoma's history. We had the coldest Valentines Day on record. We have set record after record! Valentine's Day was 10 for the high, -1 for the low.  Monday the 15th was 7 for the high and -13 for the low.  And his birthday was 16 for the high and 9 for the low.  So there was no going to parks like we usually do.  We couldn't go on walks or play with his new outdoor toys that he got, and it looks like its going to be at least a week before we can get out and enjoy some fresh air! He was bummed because he wanted to go to school on his birthday and have cupcakes or cookies with his friends.  He won't get any special treatment at school because of this either. The kids will be home-schooling for another week due to these temps.  But at least it's a birthday of his we will always remember! 

It started with breakfast in bed- he woke up before us and he stayed up in his room but called me on my Alexa at 7:04. I had my alarm set for 7:30 because he has been waking up around 8 these days, but when my phone started ringing so loud at 7 I was so confused.  It said Shawn was calling me, but Shawn was laying in bed asleep next to me.  I didn't understand what was happening but I answered and there was Sully, telling me he was awake and wanted me to bring him his breakfast. I was cracking up! I don't even know how to call people on our Alexa's but apparently my 5 year old does! Sully is also not a big eater in the mornings.  He usually waits to eat until he's been up for about an hour, so we brought him breakfast, he ate 1 bite of sausage, and then he was ready to go back downstairs to see his birthday surprises. He ran down, played with the balloons and then began begging me to let him open his gifts immediately. It was only 8am. But he was homeschooling and technically the homeschool days don't start until 9. So we let him open 3 gifts.  That made him happy for about 30 minutes.  Then he began begging for more.  I told him he had to wait until "school" was over and even though I resisted giving into his thousands of pleas for more presents, right at 12:30 (ON THE DOT) he demanded that we get to start since school was over.  So presents were opened and then the FaceTime calls started coming in.  He was a mess! The kids were fighting over his presents, he was territorial and didn't even want his sisters LOOKING at his gifts, and between the fighting and the distraction, the calls weren't great.  I felt so bad because his sweet grandparents and great grandparents took time out of their days to call him, yet he wasn't having it. I'm SO sorry you guys. I was so embarrassed!

Anyway, after he played for a few hours we did the Piñata.  We can't figure out if he will be a left-handed batter or a right-handed batter, but he's pretty good at whacking it either way :) His dinner that he requested was tacos and French fries, so that's what we had :) 

And then, my Monster-Truck OBSESSED, dinosaur loving, Ghost Buster fanatic, and ‘all things Spider-Man’ boy who’s never seen an episode of Batman in his life begged for a Batman cake....So Batman it was! I brought it home from the bakery and set it in the oven to get it out of the way. Well, to preheat the oven for the taco shells, I forgot the cake was in there until I started to smell burning. I remembered the cake and flew to the oven just expecting the worst, but thankfully only the box had started to burn. The cake's frosting had melted a tiny bit on the sides, but it wasn't enough that Sully even noticed, thank GOODNESS. Usually I bake their cakes myself, but with homeschooling and all that I just didn't have the time this year. Thankfully the bakery was still open, despite our foot of snow and negative temps! (Thanks Winter Storm Viola). Yesterday was a doozy and I was exhausted by the end of the day! But man, I love that boy somethin’ fierce!

(Before it melted a bit....)

I made a slideshow for his birthday set to the sweetest songs about little boys, and although it's too long to post on here, it is a treasure to me. I watch it and cry every single time! The pictures and memories I have of him over the 5 years of his life are beyond precious. I thank Heavenly Father every day for blessing me with a son. Happy birthday to my Sully boy. I love you more than all the leaves on all the trees.