First Day of School 2021

Hello.  It's me. Still going through the motions of life because I have kids that need me, kids that thrive on the routines and traditions I've created for them, all the while still grieving the loss of someone that I love whole-heartedly.  Nothing will ever be the same without Pops here.  My entire life he was here, and now he's gone. And the world still has to turn and we still have to do all the things we do, but the ache in my chest is there.  I don't cry as often anymore. But I'm sad and different at the same time. 

But as I said- we are still living and I have 3 little beings that depend on me, so I have to give myself to them and sometimes push the sadness down deep so that I can give them happiness.

Having said that, we made it through the first week of school.

Lucy started 5th grade this year! The 5th graders at school get lockers so that's a big deal. They get lockers because they have different teachers!  Lucy switches classes throughout the day this year.  She has a math teacher, English/reading teacher, Science teacher, History/social studies teacher, and then, art, music and P.E. as well. She's still not the oldest in the school (their school goes until 6th grade) but feels pretty darn important now that she's a big 5th grader.  She even learned how to use a REAL lock and picked out some cute locker decorations to hang. 5th grade seems SO OLD to me.  It's really the year that a lot of things physically and socially change with girls, so pray for me as I navigate through it!

Lucy and I on our 1st days of 5th Grade :)

Piper started 3rd grade this year! 3rd grade for me was the year when I really started making a lot of memories. Before 3rd grade, memories were fleeting. But once I hit 3rd I guess my brain was forming enough to make and keep memories I'd never forget. Piper is with her same teacher as last year, Mrs. Poston, and all of her same classmates so I feel really confident in her having a successful year with familiar faces and people who bring her comfort.  She is a creature of habit and doesn't like change, so for her to loop-up with her friends and teacher was good for her- especially with ANOTHER year that I didn't get to walk them to their classes on the first day of school :'(

Piper and I on our 1st days of 3rd Grade :)

Sullivan started Kindergarten!  Oh. My. Gosh.  All of my kids are in school FULL TIME.  They're all under the same roof, which I LOVE but my BABY started Kindergarten! The night before, I went up to his room to kiss his soft, warm cheek.  I thought about how for the last 5 years he's been with me most of the day.  Yes, he was in school 5 days a week last year, but he started later and ended earlier than the girls (plus, there were SO MANY weeks of homeschooling).  Him and I still had a lot of one-on-one time every single day.  That would never happen again.  Once a phase in life ends, you never get it back.  We'd never get that much time together ever again.  Isn't that sad?? It brought hot tears to my eyes because even though he's moody and the most stubborn boy in the world, even though he's messy and out of control, even though he's loud and hyper, even though he drives me crazy 90% of the time, he's still my baby.  My little guy.  My Sully.  And now I share him with the world.  It happened, but at the same time, it's inconceivable to me. He's really a baby. He seems SO much younger than my girls did when they started school. I felt like Lucy was old when she went to Kindergarten but I feel like Sully is still just a baby. 

His teacher is one of my favorite people in the world, Mrs. Sumler, whom Piper had 2 years in a row. So thank goodness he was with her on his first day because I didn't get to walk him into his class and my heart broke when I sent him on his way.  Last year when we dropped him off, I cried and cried and cried.  Sobbed, really.  I was sending this little child off into the unknown- a big building he wasn't used to, just letting strangers guide him down the halls to his classroom with a stupid mask on his face.  This year was 10000 times better for a few reasons: 1) his sisters were able to walk him to class- all 3 of my babies walking hand in hand inside the school together. 2) his teacher would be his little protector and I knew he'd be safe in her room. 3) They didn't have to wear masks on the first day of school and didn't have to "social distance" And 4) when we drove up to the school, Mrs. Sumler was the one who helped my kids out of carline! The RAN to her with open arms and gave her so many tight hugs and she hugged them right back.  It started their days out perfectly.  They were smiling and brave when they walked into that school knowing there were people inside those walls who loved them- and that made my heart feel better even though I couldn't be there with them to physically walk next to them and kiss them as they started a new year.

At the end of the day I brought them their annual end-of-first-day Slushies and they couldn't get the words out fast enough! Telling me about all their friends, their classes, their teachers, lunch time, recess, what the school looked like, and all the things they did. They interrupted each other to try to get their stories heard before the others.  But the general consensus was that their 1st days of school had been PERFECT.  Sully said he had the most awesome day! They were excited, happy, and tired. 

We were able to walk through the school a couple days before the 1st day and see where their classrooms were going to be. But their teachers were not present and we couldn't go INSIDE the classrooms- we could only peek through the windows.  Covid doesn't make sense.... we couldn't have a "meet-the-teacher" because of Covid germs, but we COULD have "tour the school" because we can't get Covid by just doing that?? It's so dumb. Whatever.

I know I didn't mention in any posts earlier, but we all actually had Covid when we got back from Idaho. When I was driving the girls home from our long trip, I started feeling really run-down on Thursday night. We left Idaho Wednesday and went to Montana.  We went to some gift shops that were crowded, we went to an insanely crowded restaurant, and we went to an even MORE crowded Hotel. The hotel was so crowded that we had to park way across the parking lot at the end because every single spot was taken.  I was fine that night. I woke up fine the next day.  But I had 10 hours to drive that day and when we were getting ready for bed that night I just started feeling weak and light headed.  I figured I just needed a good night's sleep and I'd feel better in the morning- this was Thursday night.  The morning came and I was feverish and achy but bought some Day-Quill and it helped but didn't get rid of all the symptoms- thank goodness it was our last day of driving.  By Friday night my body hurt so bad that all I could describe it was every single bone in my body ached.  I felt like I had been beat up and had the worst headache ever.  Shawn drew me a hot bath and I soaked in bubbles and oils, thankful to be home but just feeling so crappy.  The next day was pretty much the same. On Sunday my kids woke up sniffling and tired, so I figured whatever I had, I clearly passed it to them. So I was spraying the spot on the couch I had been sitting in with Lysol when I realized I could not smell it. Not even a little bit. I pressed my nose up to the couch and there was NOTHING. That's when I knew... I had covid. I tried to smell everything! The strongest smelling lotions.  I even put Peppermint oil up to my nose and inhaled deeply- it tingled my nose but there was no scent! The next day my kids all woke up with fevers of 102+.  I went and got tested, still just thinking that maybe it was only the flu since I was partially vaccinated.  But when my kids woke up with high fevers again the next day, were so lethargic they stayed in bed ALL DAY (even Sully!) and I received a positive Covid result, I knew they had it too. Sully had come to my room that second morning and lifted his eyebrows up and said "Mommy, when I do this, my head hurts" (pointing to his forehead). "And when I do this" (move his eyes from side to side) "my eyeballs hurt." They had 3 days of fevers and extreme tiredness.  Day 5 they all woke up free of fevers but still coughing and tired, and then on day 6 they woke up feeling SO much better- fever free, not tired, just a lingering cough, but all was well.  We quarantined for 12 days because they say to quarantine for 10 days from the start of symptoms, and since their symptoms started 2 days after mine, we all stayed home for 12 days together.  During that time, Shawn was perfectly fine.  He didn't feel sick at ALL.  He was good.  Then on day 15 I left for Pop's funeral.  On day 16 (Friday) Shawn said "my back is so sore.  So is my neck. And I'm SO tired." I told him muscle aches were my first sign, and he might have Covid but he said "no- it's just cause I slept on my neck wrong and since I'm home alone with the kids I'm extra tired." The next day he started coughing and felt achy, run-down and sick.  He still didn't believe it was Covid at all because the kids and I all had it and he didn't have any symptoms during our week of misery.  And then his sense of smell and taste went away.... 18 days after I tested positive, Shawn tested positive.  His cough was WAY worse than mine.  Worse than Sully's too.  And this was right after I just lost my dear grandpa to Covid so when Shawn couldn't catch his breath, I would almost cry- I was sick with worry.  He called his doctor and got steroids for his cough and THANK GOODNESS it didn't get worse than that. He felt horrible- we all did- Covid is not fun.  But his Covid didn't linger as long as mine.  I'm a month out and my sense of smell is still almost non-existent.  I can faintly smell really strong things, like oils or bacon.  But regular things I can not detect at all. I can't tell if a room smells bad. I can't smell my shampoo when I shower. I can't smell clean laundry- in fact, I bathed the dogs the other day and couldn't smell them AT ALL. No wet-dog smell was detected even a little while bathing BOTH of them  My brain-fog comes and goes. I have days where I can hardly even think straight still.  Days where I feel like I'm really struggling to just make it through because the brain fog is so heavy I can hardly see straight.  I mix up my words a lot. The 2 weeks after covid was worse with my words- I couldn't form a sentence it felt like, without mixing words up and forgetting what I was saying half-way through. Texting was harder for me and it just felt like I had to try so much harder to process a thought. I still get really confused with what my sentence needs to be a lot.  I have to close my eyes and try really hard to focus on what I need to say.  It's bizarre. I'm also really tired. I have taken dozen of naps since this all started. I can hardly keep my eyes open without needing to rest throughout the day- and I am NOT a napper! I hate it. But my cough was never as bad as it is with some.  In fact, Sully's cough was never as bad as it has been with regular asthma and so I will take brain fog over a ventilator any day! 

The sliver lining to all of this is that my kids are armed with anti-bodies as we head into this school year. They got it in the Summer when we could stay home and not miss school and sports and they have what they need inside themselves to ward off Covid for the next few months at least.  It's raging over here again but they are protected for the next little while.  That is a HUGE blessing.

When I say we have the BEST bus driver, I mean the BEST. Every single morning it is the happiest, most cheerful “good morning munchkins!” with a huge smile on her face and high-fives all around. In our neighborhood, lots of new houses are being built around the bus stop and she doesn’t ever want my girls to walk past the construction workers alone so she drops them off as close to our house as she can get. Same with rainy days. She always buys stuff they are fundraising for. She brings candy for them on Fridays and regales them with fun trivia each morning as she drives. I ALWAYS feel safe with her as their bus driver. Well the other day the school told her she had been given a new route. She said she’s never ever cried on the job, but that morning she just couldn’t stop crying when she saw all the kids she wasn’t going to be picking up anymore. (You all know how emotional I’ve been lately so I don’t even have to tell you how hard I cried when I got the news).

Anyway. Our doorbell rang and guess who was at our door, coming to give hugs and say goodbye to my kiddos. Ms. Pam. She cried in our entryway and even hugged me SO hard. This might sound silly to some that I was that emotional over this, but not having to worry about my kids getting to and from school for the last few years has been a HUGE blessing. She’s one of the good ones. We went about our week, dreading the day we'd have a new bus driver, when lo-and-behold our old bus #4 pulled up for us and Ms. Pam said she got her kids back and MAN was she happy!! As excited as I am for this, there is also so much over-crowding right now that this could very well be temporary. And if it is, I'll cry again. But on Sully's 1st day of riding the bus, she is his driver. And I feel safe and content knowing that all 3 of my precious children's lives are in the hands of someone as awesome as Ms. Pam.

For the 1st time since August 2016, when I left the bus stop today, I didn’t have another child (or 2) coming back home with me- I walked home alone. Every little milestone is important to me.Even the first time they ride a bus.

Now I sit in the silence of my home- soaking up the stillness I've been gifted with.  Cleaning room by room and basking in the fact that these rooms will stay immaculate until at LEAST 3:30pm.  I don't miss the kids like I usually do; hear me out.  It's not that I'm happy they're gone, but I don't ache to have them home.  I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm just plain exhausted.  I need some down time, some alone time, to really let my body and my heart and my mind catch up with each other.  I need some silence to let myself grieve.  I need to rest.  I need to just be still for a bit.  Life feels different now, and I'm just coping the best way I can.  I love my kids. I'm sad that they're growing and I do feel melancholy for the changing of the seasons again. But at least for a little while, I'm sitting in this stillness and embracing it.